Down to the Wire

Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me, testing me


-John Mayer "Vultures"


Well, I am currently listening to John Mayer trying to relax. Maybe writing some stuff will help.

My current frustration is running, so I'm going to start here while my minds on it. If i was going in order of importance, school would be my next update but, oh well.
Things were going so great since my last post wayyyyy back in early February when I was just getting back into shape from the muscle spasm I had before Christmas break. I was finally pushing through workouts up in the top group or right behind. One Saturday morning we did a tempo. I only had 8 miles, some other guys had less, but a couple had 10. I stayed with the guys that had 10 for all 8! 43:13 for 8 miles - I was pretty freaking happy about it. I mean, not amazing, but I was back in shape! I felt great! I felt part of the team again and worthy of being on the team! So then what happens? The next workout we have was a fartleck on the farm.. Gravel road.. really loose gravel.. pretty windy, and from the first interval everyone was sprinting! I was dying, but I was determined to stay with the top group no matter what. I had just run an 8 mile tempo with them; I could hang on for a 20 something minute fartleck. Of course, a little over half way my back started hurting. It was the same thing as before Christmas. At the end of the workout I couldn't even do the cool down :( It's been 2 weeks. 2 weeks today actually, and I haven't run over 1 minute at a time without wanting to just absolutely die in pain. It hurts when I walk too. I don't know exactly what it is, but my trainer assumes it's the same thing it was last time. I feel like it is and the only thing I could do last time was rest. It doesn't hurt while I bike, but it sure hurts afterwards. I'm starting to wonder if it's doing any good. I feel like I'm actually getting a good workout by biking, but I'm starting to wonder if it's keeping me from getting better. I took yesterday off because I was at home and didn't have a bike or anything to cross train on anyways. Today I felt sooo good! All day! Didn't hurt walking or anything. Once I got off that bike today though, it was back. Painful. I feel like I'm just going to have to start all over again. I've been kind of paranoid lately that there's just some freak thing wrong with me that I'll never be able to fix or figure out how to keep it from coming back. I just want to run. I don't want to be scared that my back will hurt. I love running. I hate seeing the team workout and I can't be in the mix with them. I would rather be dying in a workout than on the stupid bike, or feel the way I do just walking around. It's a whole different kind of pain. Today, the guys did a workout I used to do in high school. A Michigan. It's the freaking hardest workout I've ever done I think. I used to tear those things up.. I so wanted to be able to do it so much faster today than I did in high school to show how far I've come. Once you finish something like that, you just feel strong. At least I always did in high school. Always did the whole freaking thing by myself too because the guys on my team were panzies. Workouts like this make me miss running so bad. I'm going crazy without it. On the other hand, in church on Sunday and actually just in my life in general lately, I've been feeling that I let running take too much control over my attitude, and life in general. I've realized this before, but I really need to do something about it. I guess I feel if I'm not moping about how pissed I am that I can't run that people will think that I don't care, that I'm faking it or something stupid like that. I shouldn't even care what they think.. but it's just hard anyways.. one of the things you love most being taken away from you. It's kinda like if Haley broke up with me right now. I'd still have to see her every day. I'd have to watch other people carry on relationships with her and the only thing I'd want is to be able to have that again. Life goes on though. Running doesn't DEFINE me. It is a talent that the good Lord gave to me and if He wishes me not to use that talent right now, then I need to find another way to glorify Him. I'm going to turn this situation around! I control my attitude and I'm going to make it a good one.

Well I haven't exactly caught up on my Bible readings. I'm like 2 chapters behind :o
I'm spending tonight to catch up. It's much needed. And then to catch up on sleep. I was up till 2 last night/this morning working on a Bio 2 lab. Kill me. haha

Well wish me luck with this attitude change, but also pray my back gets better. I fully believe in the power of prayer :)